“Where horsepower meets conversation”
(When it’s snowing, the roads are terrible, and Rudolph is clearly a liability)
By Paul Kramer · December 16, 2025
This is not a casual holiday drive.
This is a winter survival rally with eggnog on the line.
There’s snow.
There’s black ice.
There’s that one minivan doing 28 mph with the hazards on.
And somewhere in all this chaos, Grandma is crossing the driveway while a reindeer considers an aggressive line.
You need something fast, capable, and most importantly unexpected — because obvious choices are boring, and boring doesn’t save Christmas.
So no German wunderwagons.
No Autobahn royalty.
Let’s get creative.
🥾 1. Subaru Outback Wilderness — The Tactical Dad
Everyone expects a Subaru.
No one expects this Subaru.
Symmetrical AWD that thrives on misery
Extra ground clearance for plow debris and poor county decisions
Enough torque to keep momentum when everyone else lifts
It looks sensible.
It drives like it has something to prove.
This is the car that arrives first and pretends it was easy, despite that engine always sounding like it’s broken.
👑 2. Toyota Land Cruiser (100 or 200 Series) — The Inevitable
The Land Cruiser does not care about snow like the honey badger doesn’t give two sh*ts.
It barely acknowledges roads and thinks they are just part of the interstate system.
Full-time AWD
Locking diffs
Weight that turns ice into a suggestion
It’s not fast in a straight line, but it’s fast in the only way that matters:
It never stops.
Also, if the road disappears entirely, congratulations — you’re now leading the convoy.
🦅 3. Ford F-150 Raptor — The Problem Solver (‘cause ‘Merica!)
This is a controversial pick, and I stand by it.
Four-wheel drive
Massive tires
Suspension designed for hitting things at speed
Snowdrifts? Gone.
Wildlife? What was that noise?
Plow berms? Decorative.
Road hazards? Mildly entertaining.
It’s big, loud, and wildly inappropriate — which makes it perfect for Christmas travel. Plus, I think they come standard with a gun rack and beer cooler.
🚀 4. Mazda CX-50 Turbo — The Sneaky Athlete
Nobody sees this coming. It’s so stealth that if it weren’t for the Mazda logo, the owners even forget what brand it is.
Turbo torque at low RPM
AWD tuned for actual driving, not marketing slides
Lower, wider stance than your typical crossover blob
It looks calm.
It moves with intent.
This is the car that quietly passes everyone who thought snow meant surrender. It is the automotive version of the tortoise and the hare.
If they made another Christmas Vacation movie, Clark very well maybe hunting fresh cut Christmas trees in a Mazda CX-50 Turbo!
🌠 Volvo V60 Polestar — The Future Cult Classic That’s Currently Forgotten!
Before you argue: this is Swedish, not German — and that matters in winter.
AWD with real mechanical grip
Turbo straight-six that sounds like it’s mildly annoyed
Wagon body that laughs at weather and luggage alike
This is the car that shows up early, sideways, and somehow still polite. Plus, it’s the ultimate “stealth wealth” statement. Yes, I have the scratch to do this in a Bentayga, but I know what I have and no need to unzip my pants.
🤪 Honorable Mention: The Absolute Madman Choice
AWD Toyota Sienna
Laugh all you want.
It’s low-key unstoppable in snow, carries everyone, and will humiliate SUVs driven by people with much higher confidence than talent.
🔚 The Final Word
Winter doesn’t reward horsepower.
It rewards traction, ground clearance, and drivers who understand momentum.
Skip the obvious.
Choose the weird.
Arrive early.
Save Grandma.
And if a reindeer does step out?
At least you’ll stop in time.
Merry Christmas.
— Paul Kramer
Paul Kramer is the voice behind AutoKennel, decoding car culture one European sports car at a time. For his takes on all things fast, rare, or slightly unhinged, visit AutoKennel.com or follow @autokennel.
You can reach Paul via voice, text, or WhatsApp at 714-335-4911.
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🚦 Part 2 — Pre-Merger vs Post-Merger Alpina: Collector Psychology & Value Drivers
By Tim Harris · December 16, 2025
Among enthusiasts, the question keeps popping up:
“Is there a ‘pre-merger premium’ in Alpina like there is with AMG?”
Short answer:
Yes — but it’s more nuanced, more subtle, and more intelligent.
This isn’t the AMG “before Daimler/after Daimler” story where the culture changed overnight.
Alpina has always been:
The connoisseur’s BMW
The gentleman’s performance brand
The high-torque, high-refinement antidote to M cars
So the “premium multiple” on early Alpinas isn’t emotional hype — it’s mechanical authenticity and scarcity.
Let's break it down in enthusiast-language:
🏛️ Pre-2022 Alpina (Independent Manufacturer Era)
These cars represent:
Original Alpina philosophy
Low-volume production
Bespoke engines, not software tunes
Torque-first power delivery
Hand-finished interiors
VIN identifies them as Alpinas
Examples:
E21 B6
E30 C2 2.7
E34 B10 BiTurbo
E39 B10 V8 S
Collector drivers:
✔️ Hand-built
✔️ VIN provenance
✔️ Rarity
✔️ Analog character
✔️ Motorsport pedigree
✔️ No substitute
These cars are like:
“If Rolex made a chronograph in a cottage in Bavaria.”
📜 Post-2022 Alpina (BMW-Owned Era)
This era is not “bad.”
But collectors mentally categorize it differently.
Key points:
BMW owns Alpina now
Process becomes corporate
Engineering becomes committee-driven
Emotional DNA becomes diluted
Will they still be great to drive?
Yes.
Will they still be Alpina in spirit?
Mostly.
Will they command the same cult fascination 20 years from now as an E21 B6?
No chance.
The emotional difference:
Pre-2022 Alpina = Connoisseur collectible
Post-2022 Alpina = BMW-plus luxury product
🎯 The Enthusiast Truth
Pre-2022 Alpinas are revered, not just owned.
Because:
They are harder to find
They are harder to replace
They are harder to replicate
Collectors love things that are:
Authentic
Original
Unrepeatable
Post-2022 Alpinas will be:
Fantastically engineered
Great to own
Terrible for bragging rights
⚖️ The “AMG Comparison” Done Right
Pre-merger AMG:
Wild, hand-built, hooligan German hot rods.
Pre-2022 Alpina:
Refined, hand-built, artisanal performance sedans.
AMG was chaos.
Alpina was culture.
That’s why Alpina collectors are:
Older
Smarter
More subtle
More wealthy
More likely to wear watches without visible logos
AMG guys buy flex.
Alpina guys buy taste.
🏁 The Final Takeaway
Pre-2022 Alpina = investment-grade collector piece
Post-2022 Alpina = luxury lifestyle purchase
One is history.
The other is premium German transportation.
— Tim Harris
🏁 The Full Throttle Talk Team
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